“My life got remarkably back on track,” said Maud Endsleigh over lunch at Brindles one day, ‘When I discovered my local dance group.”

With that, she whipped off her twinset – pearls and all – and began, spandex hotpants and stripper heels in place, to lapdance me in the middle of Costa. There were a few disapproving glances from the less bohemian members of our coffee circle but, to be fair, they hadn’t really spoken to Maud over the last few weeks due to that unfortunate incident featuring the Lemur. So, as a body, they turned away and continued with a less controversial topic of conversation.

“It is such a relief to let oneself go, once in a while,” she said when finished, all heaving bosom and hysterectomy .

I merely nodded, wiped my polyester down with a soft cloth and finished my tea.


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